PPC Spin-off: Callista

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Middle-earth belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. Aramel belongs to me. The original Mary-Sue is called Callista, and can be found at Fanfiction.net. For those curious people who actually want to read it.

Aramel flipped through the pages of ff.net, muttering under her breath. "Oh, Elbereth..." It was odd for her to be calling on a deity who only existed in a story, but there was nobody to hear, except herself, so it didn't matter. As she opened a new page and quickly scanned it, she swore. "Orc dung!" Glaring at the story, she decided that she did not want to see the author. It would be a hazard to the author's health. "This is the limit..."

As she closed her eyes wearily, a siren started ringing. Her eyes popped open again, and she glared at the red light flashing from her computer panel. "What on earth?" As if in response, a voice started speaking at the other end (of what? she wondered).

"Trainee Aramel, you have been called on a mission. It is quite easy--much too trivial for a senior agent. A Sue in the Ardaverse. Sort it out." Humph. That didn't help her ego, certainly. Much too trivial for a senior agent indeed! As the voice started to fade, she asked suddenly, "Wait! Do I get a partner?"

"No partner can be found right now. We are at loose ends. You can do this, Trainee." The red light stopped flashing, and the voice faded into silence.

Aramel ran for her backpack, emptying it of her usual textbooks. Instead, she stuck in a short sword she had pestered her grandmother into buying, and a Canon Analysis Device she had received when she had first signed up for the PPC, and a thing that looked like a remote control. "Sword, Canon Device, yes, yes...oh, and the Words."

She pushed a few keys on her computer, which opened a... a window-thingy in the air. She stepped through, muttering, "So good of Makes-Things to attach the controls to my computer..."


She landed in Rohan, in the shape of one of the Rohirrim. True, she wasn't supposed to be one of those "good" people, but she really couldn't stomach an orc's lumpy skin. After all, she was vain. The Fields of Rohan were certainly very beautiful, but something seemed wrong. The rolling plains were normal enough, but whenever she tried to look into the distance, the horizon twisted in a way that defied her eyes and made her queasy. Determined to find a reason, she glanced at the Words, and frowned in recognition. It was the same story that she'd seen on ff.net.

...and in the distance snowcapped stood high and tall. What on earth was that supposed to mean? Snowcapped what stood high and tall? And didn't high and tall mean the same thing? Stuffing the Words back into her bag, she looked around for the Sue--not an easy task, since the grass of Rohan grew tall, and she was rather short-sighted.

After scanning the fields for a while, taking care not to look at the "distance snowcapped", she finally spied movement. It was a horse, a black one. His coat shone unnaturally. At his side sat a girl, wearing traveling clothes, and unnaturally beautiful. Scanning the Words again, she scowled at the spelling mistake. "Your beautiful indeed!" Nonetheless, the Sue was found, and her mission had begun. Aramel crouched low, and the grass of Rohan bent and swayed to hide her. This world knew she was here to help.

Just to make sure, she pulled out the Canon Analysis Device, and aimed it at them. Tiny words appeared on the screen.

[Corbett. Equine Male. Non-canon. Bit character.]

[Callista Brocton. Human Female. Non-canon. MARY-SUE]. The Analysis device started flashing urgently. She grunted and crept forward. If she could only sneak up on her and... but no, she had to wait until the Sue actually broke the rules, if maiming the landscape didn't count.

The Sue had pulled out a dagger, and was doing something inexplicable. Aramel scanned the Words quickly, her face darkening in a scowl as she mentally added Grammatically Incorrect Sentences to her mental list of offences. "Quickly applying pressure to the cut the bleeding stopped. Adjusting the weight on my weight in a way so that I could mount Corbett"  was, in her opinion, not a fit way for human beings to talk. Still, she waited. The opportunity would come soon.

Sure enough, a figure of a man seemed to pop out of nowhere and set his sword point to the back of the Sue's neck. Aramel aimed the Device at him, and words flashed across the screen.

[Aragon. Human Male. Non-canon. Bit Character.]

Perplexed, she studied the Words, and found that the author had spelled Aragorn's name wrong throughout. Drawing closer, she could hear that Aragorn was talking strangely. Doesn't this author know how to write question marks? she thought savagely. Aragorn was ending all of his (rather stupid) questions in a dull monotone. In the next minute, the Sue and Aragorn started fighting with their swords. Aramel sat back, disgusted, and scanned the Words. It would be going on for quite a long time, she thought. As if any girl--any! Would have withstood Aragorn for more than a few seconds with the sword! Well, Éowyn was a possibility, but this girl…

After a while, there was a clash, and the girl was lying on her back, with Aragorn standing above her. It was only then that she seemed to see him. As if one could possibly not see the face of someone one had been fighting for--what was it again? Oh, yes, what seemed like eternity. At least she had the grace not to win.

It was then that the remaining two came along, Legolas and Gimli. Aragorn shouted, "I found one. Not an Orc, but a man." Aramel snorted. A man! As if anyone could mistake the Sue for anything but a girl. Aragorn peeled her mask off.

"Christ it's a girl." Gimli gasped in a very un-Gimli manner. Aramel almost lost control of her urge to scream "There was no Christ in Middle-earth!"

Suddenly, there was a lurch--a time jump. It left her rather winded. She landed on her knees, and listened. The Sue appeared to have woken, and the Canon Characters were talking in a way that made Aramel uncomfortable.

Gimli asked, "Aragon is she asleep?" Aramel winced at this abuse of the future King of Gondor's name. Seeing it in the Words was one thing, but to actually hear it said...

"No. I saw her eyes open a minute ago. There's no use pretending I know that you are awake." Aragorn spoke in one breath, as a result of the missing commas. Aramel couldn't bear to listen on. She buried her face in her knees, praying that the time would come soon for her to end this.

She raised her head just in time to hear Legolas say, "She must accompany us to Rohan." Oh? Aramel thought, not unamused. And why is that? Methinks this will be another Legomance.

Aragorn--or Aragon--spoke, "Legolas she will be a hindrance to our journey." Once again, the comma was missing. The Sue retorted something that made Legolas smile and Gimli chuckle. Aramel aimed the Canon device at them.

[Legolas. Elf Male. Canon Character. Out of Canon 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999

With a final gasp, the device died. At this moment, something the Sue said made Aragorn scowl in a rough and brigand-like way. It was the final straw for Aramel. It was high time to get rid of this Sue. Aramel drew her sword out of her pack, unsheathed it, and marched up to the Sue. She shrieked, and the Three Hunters turned as one and began madly charging at Aramel to protect the Sue. She had to hurry, before they reached her. Under the Sue's influence, they could very well kill her. But she had to read the charges first. Desperately, she shouted, "Ho! Ho! Ho! To the bottle I go!"

The Three Hunters stopped, staring, and Aramel quickly recited the charges. "Castilla or Callista or whatever, you are charged with abusing the English Language, abusing pronunciation marks, abusing the landscape of Middle-earth, abusing the character and name of Aragorn, abusing the characters of Legolas and Gimli, bringing Cute Animals into existence, being a Mary-Sue, and above all daring to rival Éowyn! Your life is forfeit. Do you have any last words to say?"

"You can't do this!" The Sue gasped. "This is murder!"

"This is justice," Aramel retorted. The Three Hunters were beginning to come out of their shock again, and she made haste. In a final stab, it was over. It would probably not have been so easy had the Sue been unwounded, for she was a Warrior!Sue, but thanks to her own Aragon...

Everything changed. The Three Hunters stared at the body of the dead Sue, which vanished after a while. She had never been there. The Three Hunters had never seen her, and made their canonical way across the plains of Rohan. All was well, except for the horse, which snorted as Aramel approached. "Too bad," she told it, "You can't live. You might have had better luck if you weren't so perfect." A moment later, the blade dripped with horse-blood, mingled with that of the Sue.

Aramel wiped her blade on the horse's too-bright coat before it, too, disappeared. She pressed a button on the remote-control-like thing, and the world of Middle-earth lurched around her. Once more she was back in her room, staring at the computer screen. The red light flashed again, and from the other end the voice said, "Mission accomplished. Well done, Trainee."

Aramel grinned.

[A/N: So, folks, the Moral is, don't misspell Canon Characters' names! And above all, don't try to compete with Éowyn!]