PPC Spin-off: Abomination

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. Middle-earth belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. Aramel and Agent Lana belong to me. The original Mary-Sue is called Abomination, and can be found at Fanfiction.net. For those curious people who actually want to read it.

Aramel frantically checked her mail, sorting through the advertisements some fool had stuck in there. Screwing the ads up, she dumped them in a pile on the floor, and looked once more into the mailbox.


She sighed and sat down again, before her computer. Still no letter from Headquarters. She didn't know what she had hoped for, after she had completed her last task. Was she hoping to be raised to a full agent? Or did she merely want a partner?

Beeeeeeeeeeeep. Aramel looked to her computer. A red light was flashing. She perked up immediately, and rushed over. "Yes?" she fairly shouted at the light.

"Trainee, report to HQ." The voice was that same commanding voice as last time, and Aramel perked up at once. Perhaps there was a mission to do...

"I'm coming," she replied. Pushing a few keys on her computer, she opened a portal and stepped through, snatching a pink bag as she went.

She landed--if it could be called landing-- in a rather cluttered room. To her surprise, another person was already there. As the woman turned towards her, the commanding voice said, "Ah. You are here. Very well. Listen, both of you."

"We have a shortage of agents in the Lord of the Rings department. You do know this, don't you?" The voice seemed to be waiting for an answer. Aramel nodded, and the voice continued, "Well, we have a shortage of agents, but no shortage of recruits who are crazy enough to become agents one day." Aramel rolled her eyes.

"The Flowers that Be are frantic. Sues keep popping up every day. Thus, they have decided to transfer some agents from other less critical divisions. However, these agents know practically nothing about the Ardaverse. The recruits know, but can't be trusted to do the job properly alone." Aramel opened her mouth to protest that her last job had gone perfectly well, but the voice interrupted her.

"Yes, Trainee Aramel, your last mission went well enough, but you were lucky. If the Sue's own characters hadn't fought her, you would have been hard-pressed. You are much too naïve, not to carry poisoned weapons.

"As I was saying, the recruits know. Thus, we have decided to put a trainee who knows the Ardaverse together with an agent who doesn't. The trainee can help with the canonical problems, and the agent does the rest. And, Trainee Aramel, among the recruits, you are the one who knows the Ardaverse best."

Aramel glowed. She had prided herself on reading the Lord of the Rings books, the Silmarillion, the Unfinished Tales, the whole long History of Middle-earth... basically, everything to do with the Ardaverse. She could almost memorise the Lay of Leithian.

"Agent Lana, Trainee Aramel will be your partner for this mission. Good Luck." The voice faded, leaving Aramel staring at--what was it again? Agent Lana, that was it.

"I used to be in the Winding Circle division," said the Agent briskly. "They had a bad problem with those girls all wanting to be mages, but not half so critical as this." She handed Aramel the Words. "You're the one who knows what this is supposed to be. You take a look."

Aramel quickly scanned the Words, and a look of utter disbelief came onto her face. "No way. Absolutely not!" she ranted. "How dare she! Just let me get my hands on her..."

Agent Lana raised an eyebrow. "Most recruits don't react this way," she said conversationally. "They jump around and cheer for getting to catch their first Mary-Sue. Which is one reason Upstairs doesn't trust them. Now, if you're ready--what weapon did you bring?"

"My sword," said Aramel, then remembered what the voice had said. "I didn't bring poison."

"Take this," said Lana, tossing a phial to her. "Paralyzes. Doesn't kill."

Aramel shrugged. "Good enough." She poured it sloppily over her sword.

Lana opened the portal. "Let's go, then."

They landed in the middle of a dense forest, and felt the familiar tingle that told them the world they were in knew they were there to help, and offered them what protection it could. "What is this place?" whispered Lana.

"Dunno," said Aramel. "It says in the Words that this happened a few days prior to Bilbo's birthday. Gandalf is here at the moment, so this has to be the Old Forest. I'm not too sure, though. These writers pull stuff out of thin air..."

A faint creak, creak heralded the coming of the Wizard's wagon. Aramel stiffened, waiting for the inevitable Sue-onslaught. She aimed her Canon Analysis Device, and tiny letters appeared on it, almost too faint to read. She tilted it up to the moonlight, and barely made out:

[Gandalf. Istar Male. Canon Character. Out of Canon 20%] 

"Well, that isn't too bad," said Lana.

"It gets worse," said Aramel tersely.

Sure enough, Gandalf stopped the cart, and got down. It was a very strange sight: his movements seemed to flicker, from smooth to jerky and back again.

Aramel was looking at the Words by the faint light of the moon. With one fluid movement--betraying his years--  "It's belying, fool, belying!" she hissed.

Gandalf stepped to the horses' side, whispering in some unintelligible language that was supposed to be Elvish. "It's not Elvish," whispered Aramel to Lana. "It's rubbish. And she calls it Elfish, for some reason." Lana only nodded.

There was a sound like a growl, and the two assassins spied a long tail like a lizard's. The weird thing was that it actually appeared to be a path, a way through the bushes, only it twisted around unceasingly. Aramel tilted the Words again, but the moon had gone behind a cloud, and she couldn't see the Words.

"Here," whispered Lana. "I brought a flashlight. But be sure the Sue doesn't see you." She gestured to the tail-thing. Aramel nodded, crouching on the ground and bending over to hide the light. She scanned the words, and snorted.

"Agent Lana? Remember to add Improper Use of Grammar to the list of charges," she said, pointing to a line that read he caught sight of a long lizard-like tail snaking it's way beneath the under brush.

 "Well, of course it'd look like that, if it is a snaking way through the underbrush," Lana said. Aramel didn't notice. She was staring at the Sue and Gandalf.

"Listen," she hissed. "Listen to what that Sue is saying!" She narrowed her eyes in anger.

Lana's hearing was unusually good, and she listened intently.

"Never turn your back on an enemy. One day it may cost you your life, Istar," the Sue hissed in what she thought was a menacing way.

"Nobody," Aramel gritted, "nobody talks to Gandalf that way! Ever!" She would have leaped up then and there, but Lana pulled her down. "Not yet," she hissed. "She hasn't really broken the rules until... until she actually does something. Like mess up the order of the world, or do something that's impossible, or bring something that doesn't exist into existence."

"Look at what she's making Gandalf do!" Aramel complained. Gandalf was staring slack-jawed at the creature. Moreover, the creature swiped at Gandalf with claws, making Gandalf dodge and gasp. "Gandalf could kill her without so much as blinking an eye!"

The two characters had stopped fighting again, and Aramel cocked her head to hear what they were saying. "I am a Draconae. A half-breed of sorts, created by Dark Wizards deep within the mountains past the reign of Dwarves," said the Sue, flinging wide her arms.

"Yeah right," said Aramel sarcastically. "And did it ever occur to you that there was only one dark wizard? Who didn't turn evil until a few hundred years ago? And just what is past the reign of dwarves supposed to mean?"

"A half-breed? Half of what? Are there more like you? What is your name?" Gandalf was blabbing like a baby. Aramel pointed the Canon Analysis Device at Gandalf. It started flashing, and Aramel quickly huddled on the ground to block the light, while peering at the screen.

[Gandalf. Istar Male. Canon Character. Out of Character 101% crrk spagettibabymacaroniaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh]

It flickered and went dark, leaving a burnt smell in the air. Aramel fought to keep from coughing. The Sue was talking again.

"Half Dragon. Half Elf..."

"For pity's sake!" Aramel choked. "How do you breed a dragon and an elf?"

"Not something I want to know," said Lana.

"You will be dead by dawn... It should be okay to tell you. You, for the short time that I will let you live, can call me Sohji," the Sue was saying, and Aramel bristled yet again at this offence to Gandalf. Dead by dawn indeed! This author had read the books too, since she knew about Istar. Not wanting to listen anymore, she closed her eyes and stuck her hands in her ears. She managed to ignore everything for five minutes. Then the Sue raised her voice, and Aramel heard what she was saying again.

"Join you?" the Sue said, "Explain to me how I would benefit from going with you and leaving what has been my home for longer than you have been alive."

Aramel jerked her fingers out of her ears. "I seriously doubt that," she snarled under her breath, "since Gandalf is older than the world!"

Gandalf--or the moron the author had called Gandalf, was talking again. "A great darkness is growing the East. I fear that Sauron may be rising from the ashes. No doubt from this, orcs, trolls and goblins will be out and about causing more trouble then they have in years..."

"No doubt of this," Aramel managed to gasp, "And Sauron was never ashes." She managed to keep her voice low, though shaking with anger.

"I will do all in my power to stop that... that..." here the Sue said a string of unintelligible words, "from ever returning to what he once was."

"Not much you can do," Lana snickered. As Aramel looked at her in surprise, she said, "I once dealt with a Mary-Sue who said she would stop the Winding Circle earthquake single-handedly. Stupid."

 "Can I kill this one? Please?" Aramel begged. "I can think of a very satisfying way."

Lana shrugged. "If you want. I must say you show the usual zealousness of the recruits for killing Mary-Sues."

"Who doesn't?" Aramel whispered. "Most of the Agents do."

They sat in silence for some time, before the Sue's shrill voice broke the silence.

"Halflings?! Periannath!" She shrieked, "Those little things! We are going to their lands! I hate you. I truly hate you."

It was too much for Aramel. With a wordless yell, she leaped up. Before the Sue could do anything, Aramel had given her a shallow slash on her perfect, pale face. As the paralyzing concoction on her sword began to take effect, the Sue slumped in her arms. Gandalf hurried over, still under the Sue's influence.

"Lana! Help me do the exorcism!" Aramel yelled. Lana nodded, and they both threw themselves at the wizard, knocking him to the ground.

"You say the words," said Lana. "I don't know them."

A grin spread over Aramel's face. She pulled out a copy of the Silmarillion from her bag, and said, "By the power of Manw?Súlimo King of Arda, and Varda Elbereth the Lady of the Stars, by the power of Those enthroned in the West, and the One who is above all thrones forever--, "

"Hurry up!" Lana yelled. "This is cheesy!"

Aramel grinned once more and continued, "Get thee gone, foul authoress! Thou canst not stay here! The power of Tolkien compels thee!" She hit Gandalf over the head with the book.

A pale form of a young woman emerged, wailing, "Nooooooooo!"

"Shut up," said Aramel, throwing the Silmarillion at her. She vanished, and the Silmarillion landed face down on the ground. Aramel picked it up and carefully wiped it clean before turning back to Gandalf.

Lana was crouched by his side, murmuring, "Poor, poor old man..."

"Let's help him into the wagon," said Aramel. They got Gandalf into the wagon seat and sent the horses trotting along. He would be fine by the time he reached the Shire. Canon would not be disturbed.

"Now," said Lana, "What was your bright idea about how to deal with the Sue?"

Mordor was a bleak place, and the Dark Tower, where they had portalled to in the shape of Orcs, was more so. They actually arrived outside the doors of Sauron's throne room.

"We must see the Great Eye," said Aramel in her harsh Orc voice to the doorwardens.

"We bring a prisoner," added Lana.

"Names," grunted the guard.

"Ornakh and Grishlúk," said Aramel, playing on the names of the two canon Orcs. The guard nodded and went in. The two assassins amused themselves by sharpening their weapons. Aramel kept testing her blade on the Sue's arm until Lana told her to stop it. "Otherwise she'll not wake up in time. You don't want that, now do you?" Aramel shook her head and sheathed her sword.

"We have to wake her now if we're going to read the charges," reminded Lana.

Aramel looked stricken. "The charges! I forgot!" She proceeded to shake the Sue awake before saying in a hurry, "Sohji, you are charged of abusing the canon of Middle-earth, insulting Gandalf, misusing grammar, being a Mary-Sue and above all breeding Dragons and Elves together! For this, your life is forfeit!"

"You--you can't kill me!" the Sue sputtered.

"Oh, we won't," Lana said grimly. "This Dark Lord will do that." Glancing up at Aramel, she asked, "What was his name? Sauron?" Aramel nodded.

Just then, the Orc came back out. "The Great Eye will see you now. Show him proper respect." The assassins exchanged looks at this, and went in.

Sauron was indeed an eye, but he was also a will, something unseen. It was that that was most menacing.

"Why do you seek me, minions?" his voice boomed.

"Er, your Darkness," Aramel began, "This arrogant girl-child has insulted you, and says that she will prevent your returning to power. We bring her here, to await your will."

The menacing presence seemed to swell with anger, and the two assassins portalled out. Behind them, they heard the Mary-Sue start to scream.

They arrived back in the cluttered room, and heard the voice at the other end. "Well done, Agent Lana. Well done, Trainee Aramel." 

Aramel and Lana gave each other a high-five.



"I always wanted to ask something."


"Who is that voice?"

Lana grinned. "That's Angel's Trumpet," she said. "He passes on orders from the Flowers that Be."

[A/N: Really folks, these half-breed Sues are a bit too much for me. How is a dragon supposed to breed with an Elf?]